Welcome to the World

end of the year...

2010-12-10T11:59:00.000-08:00

December. Already. It was quite a year! This year has had many ups and downs for many of us. As I end this year, I have so much gratitude for all that I have learned and all the people I have met. I am entering this new year with such an amazing sense of radiance and trust that it will be phenomenal on so many levels. I sat looking at the presents under the tree for my children, listening to holiday music and hearing my son express his hopes that , while he is putting on the lights of the tree , he hopes Santa knows how seriously he takes Christmas. I had to smile. I love and am so grateful that my children still believe in miracles, they still smile and find the world a fun magical place. Usually. I love that they are eager to learn and experience things in life. I love that we have found a pretty good balance over the past couple years and we can go into this new year with great expectations of amazing things.

I feel blessed that I was drawn to becoming a Doula trainer. I love to guide women, to encourage them along their way just as they do me without even knowing it. Everyone has such a strong message for me when I listen. I love that I am now finding more focus in the shift I want within my own work to grow and expand and help others grow and expand as women at their own pace. I have been working on putting mentoring packages together and am looking forward to taking that part of my business in more of a focus this year than it has been in the past.

I decided to sit and write in my journal about many of the things that I am in such great appreciation for. I thought I should share some of them with you.

I have great appreciation for my children for teaching me all the amazing things they do. For showing me the joy in holidays that I had forgotten about but have been wanting to see again for many years. I love watching them create their own traditions with me as a family. I love having them teach me that just as I tell them they are ok, just as they are, that I am too.

I have great appreciation for my animals and how they keep my house bustling with life. They bring so much to this house, other than hair. ( which I could do without really ... but am willing to deal with it. :)

I am thankful for my friends who listen to my stories and frustrations and love me anyway. I think I may never get enough of the laughter, hugs and venting that we all so as we try to manage our way through this chaotic world. Thank you all for being my friends. Putting up with my movie choices and my last minute, spur of the moment ideas that I seem to randomly come up with no matter how inconvenient it may seem. I TRULY have great appreciation for the fact that you indulge me and my ideas. Laugh at me when I come up with something crazy and still stay my friends.

I have great appreciation for my Clients and students. Thank you for coming to my classes and allowing me to be honored to help you process the issues you have going on in your world. You will never know how amazing it is for me, that you let me listen, that you trust my advice and are willing to share such deep intimate fears and desires about your world, life and parenting. You have guided me as I have guided you. I am eternally grateful for all that you bring to me. I appreciate all the text messages, phone calls and emails , asking to be heard. It means you trust me, value my opinion and it gives me great understanding that I have purpose in this world. It makes all the frustration worth it.

I have great appreciation for all my doula babies. The ones who I keep getting photo updates for, the smiles and sweetness that your parents share with me. I have great appreciation for the doula baby I lost this year. I hope that your mother finds the most amazing peace somehow. You have taught me with your gentle fleeting spirit so many things about this world and what I should be doing with my time. As hard as it was for everyone involved to not have you here with us, you will still forever live within us all in a unbelievably profound way. I love you all and was honored to be your doula.

I have great appreciation for my sister who doesn't seem to give up on me and continues to encourage me in my lowest moments. I am grateful that my kids have the best Aunt on earth. Thank you for all you do. Most importantly, reminding me, I am worth it.

I am grateful for everyone from my past who has helped bring me to this point in my life where I look outside and smile everyday, knowing how content I am with the life I lead. Tides turn, life ebbs and flows... and every wave , its up and downs, have great purpose as we find our own balance.

I hope everyone out there who is reading this, will look forward into this coming year, and see that what is important is not what IS, but rather how you SEE your world around you. Create and live the best life you can. There is nothing like the present to do that. Be your own best friend, Follow the adice you would give your own best friend as there is really no one more true to you, than of course, YOU.

Have very sweet holidays, Happiness, joy and pure amazing BLISS. Lets go into the new year feeling FABULOUS!

looking ahead

2010-10-29T14:59:00.000-07:00

Can you believe that it is already NOVEMBER? I think the year flew by, and I anticipate that next will go by even faster! I am focusing on doula trainings to continue to follow my calling and be able to teach other amazing women how to support each other in these amazing times for a new mother. I never knew I would get such good response from people! In just one post on facebook about who wanted to host a doula training, I got a few responses! So, plans are in the works to host trainings in Las Vegas, Redlands, CA, Tampa , and the best of all, Anchorage, ALASKA! So, I am setting the intention very early, that these trainings will fill, so that I can easily take my kids next summer to one of the most amazing places on earth. I think they will learn more about life visiting such an amazing place like Denali National Park watching bear and moose roam, and being in awe of the wild orca whales than they ever will sitting at home in south Florida! I look forward to sharing the excitement when I book those tickets!

Not only do I have that to look forward to for next year, I am also getting the details together for a non-profit community doula program! Please come and support me through my raffle and 50/50 that I will hold to raise money to get it up and running. Once it is established, I will be able to apply for grants so that those of us who are doulas, can continue what we love to do and still afford the cost of living!

I know! I have BIG dreams. If there is one things that I have learned from watching my clients and students have their babies this year, is that they had big dreams too. They all set out to have the birth they really wanted, and for the most part, thought might be impossible. Many of them CHOSE to focus on having the birth that would leave a positive memory instead of a negative one, and most of them achieved that. I was learning and watching as well, the reminder of how birth is one of the greatest lessons of staying in the moment. It teaches us to in each moment, we live, one.... moment.... one contraction.... at a time. We get through those rough ones, to have the amazing ones become so amazing. We find out strength to remind ourselves how powerful we are. We don't give up so we can hold our babies in our arms. Although my 'baby" is a metaphorical one, I look forward this coming year to doing what I encourage my clients to do. One moment at a time, don't stop focusing on what you want. So that this time next year, I will have been to Alaska, and taught many women along the way, not only mothers but others just like me, who only want to see what birth can do to change their lives.

Thank you ALL for teaching me something along the way... and helping ME give birth to my own dreams, by making your births come true.

being a photographer

2010-10-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

When you look at a photo, you see the subject. The lines, the story that goes with it... What constitues a GOOD photo? the focus? the feeling you get from it?. the way the composition is? the colors? there is SO much... the photo of the children and how they smile? the way the eyes of the person in it sparkle? there are so many details that make a photo good, bad or anywhere inbetween. and different people will see different aspects of what causes one or the other.

What i Have discovered recently, is that there is so much more there. i have said for a long time that I enjoy photography because it allows people to see the world how I view it. in all its beauty and exquisitness. It gives me a good sense of fufilment when i am able to let others see how i see the world and know they see it the same way. Photos often express things that words cannot. So , since I am unable to communicate effectivly in words, maybe photos will help it along some...

When I take photos, i remember them all. each one, the moment I take them , when I am doing things just for me... like... on vacation or for hobby purposes, I am emotionally present with a good photo shoot. and When I am , I remember each photo that I take.

Most people forget this. that there is always someone else in the photo. the person behind the camera. If someone is looking at the camera, and you feel thier pain, the person behind the camera made them feel comfortable enough to take the photo. If they smile , or if its a tree that sways... its the person who is snapping the shutter whos perspective you are seeing..its a great thing....

always remember whos in that shot. As the photographer its a great thing to be able to accomplish such shots, Thats why we do it :)

Before I was a mom .....

2010-08-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

I did not write this but wanted to share it with all of you...

Before I was A Mom
I made and ate hot meals.

I had unstained clothing.

I had quiet conversations on the phone.

I slept as late as I wanted

And never worried about how late I got into bed.

I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

I cleaned my house each day.

I never tripped over toys or forgot words to lullabies.

I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.

I never thought about immunizations.

I had never been puked on... Pooped on..

. Spit on... Chewed on... Peed on...

Or pinched by tiny fingers.

I had complete control of my mind

My thoughts... My body...

And my money.

I slept all night before I was a Mom

I never held down a screaming child so

that doctors could do tests or give shots.

I never looked into teary eyes and cried.

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.

I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down.

I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.

I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.

I never knew that I could love someone so much.

I never knew I would love being a Mom.

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.

I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.

I didn't know the bond between a Mother and her child.

I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.

I had never known the warmth... The joy... The heartache... The wonderment...

Or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much.

Before I was a Mom.

Children and weeds

2010-08-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

Time flies when you are having fun, our children are growing faster than weeds, and changing moment by moment it seems. I forget sometimes that as I watch my children grow, I seem to be morphing into someone I didn't know before! I am now a mother of 2 school age kids, ages 10 and almost 9! The teen years are only a few years away! I don't remember signing up for this when I chose to have babies :) I keep feeding them and they keep growing! I wouldn't change it though. I have spent some time wondering what happened to all those years that my children were tiny, feeling badly I cannot remember so many of their firsts, or the cute things they would say or do. How the years went by and I didn't take as many photos as I think I should have. Vowing to "do better" now. I have decided that I am going to stop fretting about all the details I no longer remember so that I can be more present in my now. Knowing that sometimes, my kids are going to do amazing things, but they are also going to drive me CRAZY at times too. I think that is all part of motherhood. Cherish the moments we have when we are reminded of the gifts we have. Know that if you didn't have moments where you wanted to scream and run away, then the moments that you do have, where you want to run to them for the best hugs and sweetest smiles would not feel the same. Honor both as they are a part of why we are mothers. Then pat yourself on the back for being human and normal.

Hugs to you all with ever fast growing children that still seem to surprise us with how amazing they can be.

Remembering Brendan's birth 4 years ago !

2010-08-10T08:41:00.000-07:00

July 12th, 2006

Sometimes.... we are led to people that can change our lives.....
a few years back... a client contacted me for doula services.... being I was so new at being a doula, I was a little unsure about myself.... but... we clicked....and i attended her first birth experience of her first son... Alexander.... She went full term with full expectation of having a wonderful birthing experience to see it rather quickly and abruptly changed... ending up with a cesarean that she was not prepared for, nor wanting to have.
After the birth of her son, whom I happen to think is so beautiful because he’s MY doula baby :) (although I’m sure that the cute factor in her and her husband do have something to do with it genetically ) -- She and I became fast friends. and we stayed in contact with each other.... and she listened to me ramble about all that goes on within my practice, and at some point actually picked up the whole informed choice as being a good way to go....
In deciding to get pregnant again, She decided that she would choose a different way to give birth. so we searched, and i helped her locate some midwifes that would help her achieve the birth experience that she wanted.... to help her KNOW that there is nothing wrong with her.... that her body knows what its doing.... and that the medical profession was just a little hasty in their choices. But regardless of their choices, she had healing to do.
So she chose, after meeting with the midwives, that having a homebirth would be the right choice for her after considering her options. And I of course, was invited. Of course, i would have been awfully offended if i wasn't invited :) And.... being that we have become so close... i knew that this was a birth i wouldn't miss for the world.... and i told her often.... that i had every intention of being there...
Sometimes, people touch us in ways we aren’t accustomed too. in all the births that i have attended, there are very few that I have kept in touch with and formed such a close bond outside of client /doula relationship. I can count them on less than one hand.
Watching her go through this experience has been a great joy to me, as she worked through her fears of her blood pressure and her past experience. as she finds out how her care providers had let her down. acknowledging her own fears and accomplishments... taking what she knew then, building on it to make this experience the one of her dreams. I watched her often in wonder and listening to her speak about these things... and we would process it all together... in such idle chit chat ... it seemed so natural to me to be able to have these kinds of conversations with her ... I wonder if she knew at the time how much she was doing.... all the processing in preparations for her next birth....
So, She set out, to make the experienced as she dreamed. And I felt such joy when she would call me and she knew she was making the right choice for herself. When she took her pregnancy test, i am not sure who was more excited. me or her :) But with the excitement also comes that little nagging voice in the background that says this might be tough... we are fighting against a medical profession and a society in general that does not think that homebirths are safe. and not only that, but one that feels that having a vbac (vaginal birth after a ceserean) is even more risky. And for me, as a doula, It was a bit different because i have become so emotionally attached to her. But I also knew that she was much more powerful and strong than she was ever giving herself credit for before.
She chose to take the risk. Now she was comfortable. She has the people surrounding her that will make her feel safe. and know that all will be ok. And that no matter what, we are here for her in whatever manor she chooses. whatever time of day. She did what i encourage all women to do in this birth process. create your birth environment. surround yourself with those you are completely safe with. you trust, you admire, you love, you know will only touch your life in the strongest and gentlest way possible. If you do this, you are capable of anything.
She called me after each visit as i listened intently. most often what was suppose to be an update turned into a 2 hours phone conversation... fine by me... i mean... i love talking about this to anyone who will listen.... She and her husband took my childbirth classes with gentle reminders of how labor would go as she hadn’t really experienced it previously. As time got closer , tension was building.. a couple scare from testing, measuring too big, or blood pressure going up.... white coat syndrome... we figured it out....even though she trusted the midwife .. she still had the fear of her blood pressure... which of course... made her blood pressure go up out of fear. But... she knew she was ok.... and her blood pressure always came back down again...
a week before her due date she started having contractions....and i waited all day thinking for sure it would be that day.... but... it didn't happen... so...she tried to rest... Monday came... same thing... all the contractions happened in the morning.... as evening came... they went away.... Tuesday... Wednesday... Oh she went to the midwife! she’s 3 cm dilated! whoo hoooo! something is happening... but they fizzled.... Thursday came and went. Contractions every day.... but fizzling at night.... Friday she called me early... around 5 am....thinking this has to be it... contractions every 2-3 minutes...so I went... and i stayed... the midwife came later that afternoon... She was no 4.5 centimeters! so... the midwife thought she'd stay....at about 6 that night... not much had changed... so the new momma to be decided that shed rest more.... and i went home. Saturday... Sunday..(her due date ) .. Monday.... Tuesday.... NOTHING!....
So we chatted.... Wednesday she would go down to the midwives office and they would decide what to do to kick labor into high gear....As i rushed around on Tuesday, after working all night and all day on Monday, i was already wore out. I was suppose to leave on vacation the next day... but .. it looked like my husband would be going on his own. with my kids. and i would stay... because.. of course... there was NO WAY i was going to miss this birth. even for a big family party 20 hours of driving away... So i helped him pack and get ready....
it was about midnight before i even laid my head on my pillow. but decided, once again to make sure i had all three phones by my bed... just in case she needed me...I was laying there processing everything with my husband about the trip. when to call, what money to spend, how i had budgeted , who’s clothes were packed where, what tiles i could lay while he was gone... and i was looking forward to having some quiet time by myself.
Now i KNEW that because her labor was going so slowly that when it kicked in... it was going to go FAST....
at about 1 am i got a phone call.. still being awake from chit chat... i answered quickly... all i heard... "my water broke can you come over ?" it was SO HER... ~~smile~~ I said sure. hung up and 14 minutes later i was in her house... Contractions 2 minutes apart consecutively... for the whole 16 minutes she had been timing them since she had called me... I asked her if she call ed the midwife... yes.... and she’s on her way? no... hmmm... ok.... time them for an hour she said...
now... I’ve never in my life gone to a birth where on the way to the birth i was thinking... maybe i should have someone else come with me. but.. i thought for a few moments that i should call my backup...then i thought nooooooo... I’m just going crazy..... I wont need any help with this....
i sat and watched her go through her contractions.. breathing... squatting... using the birth ball....doing whatever her body needed at the time... it was amazing to watch her be so strong through such intense contractions...so i left her alone... now and again id touch her or rub her back.... at about 2 we called the midwife.. yes the contractions were still 2 minutes apart.. yes.. she’s on her way... and we were to call if things changed at all..
another half hour or so and they picked up..... now she was only getting about 30 second in-between them... and she told me she feels pressure.. i placed my hand on the small of her back.. here? no lower... here? no lower... and she took my hand to the bottom of her pelvis and I said... ok... we need to call the midwife now... when i called the midwife, she was now leaning over her husband making some moaning sounds...i expressed that she was feeling pushy... the midwife asked to get her in the tub to slow the contractions down...
So i filled the tub as she moaned and rocked and spent the time with her husband in the room ... between checking the temp of the water, i would go and rub her back to help her through some.... so she got in the tub... contractions didn't slow down.... and she started feeling pushy... we spoke to the midwife again who said to try to have her blow through them...
And so we tried...pant... blow... pant.... push? ok... so push...... pant? ok... no... go on and listen to your body... and push she did... she did pant and she did blow.... but involuntary pushing eventually takes over.... so she looked at me , as her husband rushed around like a bee, and said, Ruth, i think you might be delivering this baby... of course... I’m thinking to myself... ummm.... might be? but there’s still hope... she couldn’t feel the head with her fingers....the midwife might miraculously make it here... although i quite confident in my calm and nurturing ways and i felt very calm at the time.... I am in no way a midwife. I have amazing knowledge.. i know this.. but I do not have medical backing in case something did need to be attended too.. however.. i still had no fear. This is not a medical experience. its birth. and i knew that she would be ok. and that the baby would be ok. So i encouraged her to do what her body told her to do , while gently reminding her not to fight against it by holding her breath.. to let the baby come.... and... i saw the head. Which came slowly and smoothly .. just as it should...... spoke to the midwife briefly who told me to feel for a cord around the neck....holding my hand behind his soft little head to stop it from hitting the back of the tub when delivered, his fat little round face came out....... no cord... but.. what the heck is that? oh my... tiny fingers along his cheek... he’s a thinker!!!! i picture him in utero now, with his little hand by his cheek, elbow on leg... wondering... how can i make this easy on my mom? ~~grin~~
Another gentle push and as his body emerged a new mother was born...... 314 am... i picked him up slowly, taking a piece of the amniotic sac from around his head, letting mom hold him close, as we call cried.... welcome little one... he’s so perfect we could hardly stand it! We wrapped him with dry towels, stimulated him to cry, wiped some juice from his mouth as he would open it...and we whined... he was pinking up quite quickly....i watched as his little round face got splotchy with pink and eventually it spread... he was so beautiful i could hardly stand it... and Mom was stunning! she had to be the most beautiful new mom I’ve ever seen.... somehow, someone remembered that the midwife was on the phone... I have no idea how long it had been... i was too enamored by what had just happened.....and this new mom that i was so incredibly proud of i didn't know what to think, and of course baby.... so... dad picked up the phone... oh yeah.. by the way... baby is born :) and they wanted us to move her to the bedroom... as we did before the placenta was born and awaited the midwifes to come and give a clean bill of health. But i knew both were doing fabulous . Baby was a little wet so i suctioned his cheeks just a little... but he did well... breathing was great, nursed well, and all was miraculous and amazing... I will never forget this as long as i live. I remember for a fleeting moment as i do most often when i see such miraculous moments in time, i need my camera! I have the image in my mind, of his face under that water in the tub right before he was born... what a perfect water birth! and how calm mom was.... it was an experience to never let go of...
The midwife came in... and assessed all was well... lots of hugs exchanged...mom didn't even tear! she did beautifully! baby did wonderful, Brendan Michael was born 9 lbs 4 oz with a compound presentation ( hand by face which makes it more difficult to birth and easier to tear ) without giving mom anything to worry about...
The midwife complimented me on a job well done. I couldn't figure out why she kept saying it, so i asked her... (when you cant figure something out , the best thing to do is ask... grin) and she said most people would have called the fire rescue... and i explained that had never even come to my mind.. she was little surprised.... It would have been a zoo as she says, if i had... but i kept thinking ... why didn't it occur to me to call fire rescue as i had no medical training.... and i know the answer.... there was nothing medical to do... I saw no need to call someone who had no business being involved in something when it was a natural process... all was ok... i knew it would be.... i knew the midwife was on her way... fire rescue is something you call when something is wrong... nothing was wrong... so it never occurred to me.. and I’m glad it didn’t. I knew to watch for the baby breathing. I knew to watch for blood loss from mom. I knew to watch her and see how she was doing. I remember asking her often how she was. she was well. I look back and think to myself, I see now why the midwife was so proud of me. Although i still don’t see that grand thing that I did... i am certainly aware of how naturally it came to me to do all that i did. my knowledge helped me a great deal. I don’t need to be a medical professional to know that everything was happening as it was suppose to. Mom did all the work. I only made sure he didn't hit his head on the way out. This was the most wonderful and miraculous birth I’ve ever attended. but it was the hardest as well. For the first time , i was very emotionally connected to a client. I was even a little uncomfortable watching her in pain. The closer you get emotionally to someone, the harder this profession gets. and the closeness makes it hard to create that bit of distance. But I did. And she did perfectly. And i am glad that my presence and gentle voice was heard by her in her moments of need , and that I could help her trust that she is the strong woman, i already knew she was.
I look back on this and think to myself... as i watched her nurse him in her own bed, surrounded by people who love her, who have faith in her ability to do what women are born to do, who honor her as the strong woman she is, and see the first moments that are shared by mom , dad and new baby.... these are never replaceable. these moments. We all create our own reality. And its amazing how much of our mind creates what happens in our own bodies. this mind body connection is an amazing thing... I ponder if she made the unconscious choice to have this baby without the midwife there....or if the baby did. because he knew that her blood pressure went up when care providers were around... I think babies choose to be born. I also think they are much more aware and smarter than we ever give them credit for. But no matter why it happened the way it did... it was absolutely the most picture perfect birth i could have ever imagined in my life. Imagine how wonderful it is to us to see such a wonderful thing happen...
but even stronger... imagine what it was like for that baby.... He was brought into this world by a mother who worked endlessly and with great effort and sometimes frustration, but a lot of laughter too, a father who although a little nervous was by far the best support person i have ever encountered at a birth, and me. a doula who loves him as she loves her own children.... he was welcomed into this world into incredibly gentle warm and loving hands, in dim light, with gentle sounds. we let him breath easily as his body needed, and warmed him in the arms of his mother, between her breasts and gently caressed.. spoken to softly by his father, with tears on everyone’s face.....I am honored to have been chosen for the safe arrival of this beautiful angel child.....his mother out of complete trust chose me to experience this with her and her little family... in her little home...in her incredibly tiny bathtub...to be trusted to this extent is an amazing thing...... welcome little one....I am glad i was led to your mother, your father , your brother , and especially you. Thank you for changing my life. When I plant the placenta you lived off of under a new baby tree in my yard, I will remember and I will cherish you and this experience for all of my days....
your loving doula,
Ruth
P.s. for those who are unsure….. Or unaware… a homebirth, vbac, waterbirth, and catching the baby in this kind of love surrounded perfect enviornment… for a doula… Is like winning the lottery of never ending money…. I will live off this high for a LONG LONG time…..

Into to my book

2010-08-07T16:51:00.000-07:00

I was asked the other day what my book is about. I have to say that one of the biggest reasons for not writing a book is because I always get asked this question. I am never sure what to say.

If I say, the book is about me, it seems to note that I think that my life is something that could be compared to some great person like mother Theresa, Julia Roberts or Hilary Clinton. World wide , well known people. I am not that.

I am just me. A woman who has had some fabulous and not so fabulous experiences.

So, I am going to write this book for all the other average and ordinary women out there. All the women who are finding their way (and maybe some men too if they can understand my divine feminine language)

This book does have my own thoughts and ideas as I ponder the important things in life that we all ponder on some level. And yet, it is hard to give it one specific description.

I work as a doula. I teach women that trusting the journey from pregnancy, into labor and birth and then on into parenthood, is an empowering process and will help her become fully aware of herself one a very deep level. So I am going to do just that, and trust.

This book is my new baby. I am going to trust, that because I am a writer on a soul level that this book is going to be my journey back to the whole of who I am. It is going to be my healing through its birth. I am going to trust that I will help more people with the things I learn to inspire them to find out who they are in their own unique way.

I will not pretend I have all the answers for others. I will not pretend I have done studies that my theories work. I will not tell you what to do, or how to lose weight, or steps to have a great labor and birth or how to have a great life in general. It’s not about “if you could just love yourself by taking these steps”. I will not pretend to be anyone any more special than anyone else. I do not see myself as worth any more than anyone else. But I can tell you that I don’t see myself any longer as worth less than anyone else either.

What I will do is tell you my thoughts as I go through this journey. This book is about the conception, happening right now, of a healing inside me that will be unlike anything I have ever known, through the pregnancy to its birth and perhaps a bit beyond. My guess is it will take 9 months to create, just as everything important in my life takes 9 months. The pregnancy of my biological children took 9 months. The rebuilding of my home after a house fire burned it to the ground, took exactly 9 months to the day. From the date I filed for my freeing divorce to the final hearing date, you guessed it, 9 months. I am shifting. I know this is going to bring me many answers and I know, from a very deep place they will be helpful to you as well.

Although I cannot promise you a step by step guide on how to reconnect with who you are. I can promise you, and I take promises very seriously, that I will find amazing healing, and I hope you do too. I promise you that I will understand myself much more deeply. I hope it leads you to understand yourself as well.

I promise you that I will find myself amazing, and can only hope that you see the same in yourself since you have chosen this book.

I promise you that I will share the essence of me that I know is there but have lost touch with, so you can then share yours with others as well.

I can promise you I will feel my way through this book, and that no matter how it ends up on the other side, we will all be better people because it was written. I promise you, that although I have no idea exactly what the final draft will look like, it will be like a birthing to me.

How do you ask that I can promise these things? Because every now and again, I get a knowing about something that is undeniable. It is much different than understanding something intellectually. Rather more like, there is a connection inside me that tells me things, it is a quiet connection that I can only hear when I listen really closely and allow its messages to come forward. I cannot force it. I cannot try it. I cannot work towards it, I cannot focus on it more and hope I hear it, I can only find myself in a place to allow it, and trust its messages will come. I am aware of the moment,when I asked this tiny bird of mine inside my soul, “what now? help me find my way because I feel Lost.” I finally reached a point to allow the answer. “Now it’s time to write your book.”

So what you will find within these pages, are the words that I can use that best describe me finding myself. I am trusting they will unfold before me, as right in the NOW I am unsure of how it will unfold. Other than, contemplation of where I've been, my dream of where I want to go and my understanding of my now, with the desire of the end result of falling in love with myself - the most important woman in my life. Since without me, my world would not exist at all.

I am glad you have joined me on my journey, and I hope it will help you to fall in love with you.

My Ocean -A poem

2010-08-07T16:49:00.000-07:00

My ocean

2/1/06 ( c) copyright Findingfabulousme

there are few places and even fewer people

Ive found,

that bring me peace.

No matter how often I go

or the circumstance

there is always solace for me.

Its more than warm ocean breezes,

natural sky light, salty air and cool sand on my soles.

Although I surrender easily to that environment

and relish that free feeling,

of the breeze in my wispy hair,

the sinking sand and warm sun on my shoulders,

it is more of a feeling i get that comes over me

as i watch wave after wave crash,

the sand pipers searching-

the awe - the amazement- the beauty

in how it reminds me there is so much of this world and life

that is yet to be known and discovered.

I wait and watch every time

in hopes of seeing dolphins play.

I i dream of that feeling , they must feel

free and fit and easily gliding through the water

always excited with smiling eyes.

I close my eyes and listen -

to the sea grapes rustling

the wind in the dunes

each wave crashing and then others receding simultaneously

birds in the distance..

The ocean and I have a lot in common.

Larger than life--a miraculous soul--

with great purpose and meaning--

often misunderstood--

and certainly not appreciated--

often used and yet- we really don't mind

we know our purpose--

we enjoy our wonder and complexity.

I suppose I am called to the ocean

just so I can find a place where I truly fit in , in this world.

theres nothing like it for me.

the feeling that comes over me when I watch the sunrise

I have a new day to start my life.

Or the sunset as I prepare for the next one.

Someone asked me once,

If this was your last day on earth

do you want to live it like its the last?

or do you want to live it like its the first day of the rest of your life?

the ocean encourages me

to live like the first

and search out in wonder

all life has to offer me.

that's why its MY ocean.

10 years ago I became a mother...

2010-08-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

My oldest child was born 10 years ago.At 6 weeks early, 4 pounds 6 ounces and 17 inches long. The sweetest peanut I have ever held. I wasn't able to hold her until she was 6 hours old and when I did, my world felt whole. She was so tiny and amazing. Perfect little girl. She has taught me so many things over the years. I thought I would take this day to honor her as my sweet little girl.

She has taught me, that even when I am angry, I can still love someone more than anything in the world. And that she will love me no matter how angry I get and even if I snap at her when she didn't do anything wrong but because I am in a bad mood.

She has taught me that there will never be a good way to explain to someone that special needs doesn't mean anything is wrong with her. It just means that she is different from other children, yet perfect just as she is. Most people don't understand that, but on a very deep level she helped me understand.

She has taught me how resilient children are. That it is us adults that constantly try to break them and mold them into being like us. Hard headed, angry, upset grown-ups. She began a journey by showing me that she deserves respect just as we do. She has shown me patience while I learn these new ideas that I was never taught as a child.

My sweet little girl has reminded me how bright eyed and bushy tailed I was as a child. She is teaching me to love myself, as she demands that she get the respect I wanted as a child. She is almost an exact replica of me. Just more willing to tell people about it. I love to watch her stand in her own, laugh and giggle just because she can.

She has shown me that sometimes, although we seem dormant for a while in an emotional place, seemingly unable to feel or adjust, that somehow, as if magic dust was sprinkled on us, we learn to love in compassionate ways we never knew how to previously.

I have also learned from her, that if you honor the mind and body to develop at its own pace, it does it quite well.

Along with that, she has made me realize that as her mother, looking out to protect and honor her body in the best way I know how, that I now question EVERYTHING I was taught before I had kids about parenting, love, discipline and compassion.

She has made me aware of my desire to control everything by being the perfect mirror.

She has taught me that, her room being messy only bothers me. Not her. That maybe, I should give it up. ( Even though I haven't been able to yet, I still know there is a lesson there )

She has taught me, that when 2 parents stay in a marriage for the good of the children, they are actually doing them a great disservice. That it teaches them that your life should be miserable to appease what others may think. That men and women, even if they are miserable together, that it doesn't matter. Which only makes things worse in the long run. It teaches them that men are allowed to treat women badly, and that women are suppose to just take it. At 4 years old, she asked her father to move to the country because she saw the dysfunction before I was willing to admit that it just wasn't working for fear of what I would "do to my kids". Now I know. teaching my children that love and respect are more important than appearances has been a great lesson.

She has taught me that there is such thing as unconditional love. That is has nothing to do with letting someone have everything they want. Or treat you any way they want. but that you sometimes, have to make hard choices with those you love, but it never means you no longer love them.

She has taught me that just as I celebrate her on her day, and bask in the deliciousness of all that she is to me, that I should celebrate myself. We are a team, Emma and I. Celebrating ourselves and each other so we can celebrate the lives that we lead.

Conscious Parenting

2010-08-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

Did you know that I offer a tele-seminar about Conscious Parenting? You can ask any non-medical question. I am not a doctor and cannot diagnose medical issues. You can ask anything that you are wanting some guidance with. Conscious Parenting to me is having an awareness of your children's unique individuality and providing them with healthy, structured and loving parenting with healthy boundaries. It is about understanding where they are so that you can effectively help guide them through their lives in a more gentle way that feels best to you. I have never met a parent that could say that it felt good to them when they hit their child in the long term. This is about teaching your child conflict resolution without violence. It is about honoring who they are as these amazing children who will teach us much more than we will ever teach them:IF WE LISTEN. While also understanding that they need guidance from us right now through their physical , emotional, and spiritual growth. All are equally important.

Do you have questions like My child keeps throwing tantrums and I am unsure how to handle it? My little boy whines every time I even move 2 feet away? My daughter pulls and slaps me when she doesn't get her way! How do I help her understand that this is wrong? Ask whatever you want.

I have found that this approach with my children has done wonders for how they interact with others. it does not eradicate all the little fights, bickering or issues, but as much as we seem to think that would be a good idea, it really isn't. These are all opportunities to teach our children appropriate conflict resolution. If we yell, hit and scream to get what we want as adults, we teach our children that yelling, hitting and screaming are how we obtain things. So, as you discipline your child, know that whatever your child is doing to get his or her way, they will do what is modeled for them.

Happy conscious parenting to all :)

Who's at fault for the birth community as it is?

2010-08-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

As I am teaching my childbirth classes about informed consent, and of course, informed denial, there is always someone that will say to me, but won't my doctor give me all the information that I need to know? and there is always, in unison, a roar of the classmates, "Nooooooooooo."

It used to surprise me that a doctor wouldn't give all the options. In every class I hear about all the women who are told that they must have a c-section because their baby is too big to be delivered vaginally. When I ask how big they think the baby will be, they tell me typically around 8 pounds. They are stumped to find out about the inaccuracy of ultrasounds, or that their doctor might not be telling something that is in their best interest. I remember that feeling of betrayal when I found out my own OB promised me things and made it sound as though he was doing what was best for me, when he was so far from it. He was doing what was best for him.

I teach my students how to write a birth wish list, how to ask the right questions, encourage second opinions, listen to their intuition to find out what they need and what is told to them that they need.

There are many people who spend alot of time blaming the doctors. They give lip service. They schedule c-sections because its the week before a holiday. Nurses have told me that very few babies are born vaginally right before or during a holiday because doctors want to get to enjoy their holidays. It always makes me angry. I have seen doctors tell women they will let them VBAC only to go back on their promise. I have seen women degraded and yelled at in the most hurtful ways. Betrayed on a level that is second to maybe a loved one.

We , as vulnerable, pregnant women TRUST these doctors who are making so much money to make the best choices for us. To give us the best options for not only our well being physically but emotionally as well. When they don't we blame them. We get angry. I wonder sometimes how I can continue doing what I do watching women get victimized like they do sometimes.

We blame it on a lack of knowledge. If women KNEW better, they would do better. RIGHT?

I have coached many women. I have encouraged many women that if you choose a care provider you trust, get support you trust, know what kind of birth you want, ask questions along the way so that with EVERY choice you are making an informed one, by being an active part of your birth, then no matter if you have medication or a home birth, or a c-section, you will always know that you made all the best choices you could for you.

Where along the way did we, as women, give up so much power? The underlying issue of all the realities within the climate of birth today, is NOT the doctors blame. yes, I actually said that. As shocking as most of my friends would think that, it is not a doctors fault, but rather, the woman's.

WE, as humans, not only women, are responsible for our own actions. WE are responsible for every choice we make through our every day. WE are responsible for making our lives what we want them to be. If we don;t like where we are in our lives, WE are the only ones who can look internally to find out how to get out of whatever situation we find ourselves in. It isn't always easy, I know, having been in many hard places in my life.

I have given women options, told them to get second opinions and sometimes even third opinions. I had one woman who was told her baby would be 10 pounds so she had to schedule a section. I suggested that she get another opinion. Second opinion was 7 pounds. Third opinion was 7.5 pounds. She chose to stay with her original OB who she trusted would not do anything that wasn't in her best interest. In her own words, she told me she knew baby was ok, and she was mostly sure she could deliver vaginally. Her gut told her that. But what if she was wrong and the Doctor was right and the other 2 were wrong? So she chose to have her planned section. Her baby was 6 pounds 14 ounces. Through her tears, the first thing she said to me out of the OR was, " I could have given birth to her couldn't I ?"

I don't share this so that women can blame themselves. Blame is such a wasted emotion. It does us no good but make us feel bad. Whether we are blaming ourselves or other people, it never gets us anywhere but feeling worse. No empowerment comes from blame. I share the story like this so that we can understand with a little more clarity, that even with all the right information, all the best support, all the greatest medical care, all the most wonderful things provided to us at the right times, don't ever matter unless we decide to USE them. Follow what we know is best for us, and trust in ourselves as women to move through easily whatever is put in front of us.

WE are responsible for our birth experiences. It is up to us to find out what we want to know, support ourselves with people who love us and we know without a doubt have our best interest at heart. Set up our birth experience in the best way we can possibly dream and then at that point use what we have put in place. That last step is always the most important one.

Trust yourself. Take that leap of faith that you can handle this. You are about to become a mother, that alone means you think you can handle anything. When we have that faith, anything is possible.

Breathing, Women and the World

2010-07-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

I have attended many births over the years, I have even lost count. Within one client I watch many births happen, even if only one baby is produced.

I watch the birth of a new baby. I watch as the baby takes its first breath. Sometimes in a gentle calm way , and sometimes, in a more harsh violent way. Sometimes it isn't harsh but you know the baby is struggling to be here. I read an article about that most people who are drowning are actually not struggling at all but rather quiet, still and living moment by moment until one of two things happen, they choose to go under, or some reaction either by themselves or someone else comes to save them. The quiet ones are the ones to watch and be careful of. There are 2 kinds of quiet, one that is peaceful through your whole being and one that is uncomfortable that tells you to listen harder at what is going on. My son asked me the other day how I knew what he was doing, I said I had eyes on the back of my head, so he brought me a sleep mask that he proceeded to put on my backwards so that the eyes couldn't see. I told him they were fake eyes really, ones I imagine , because I have a sense that tells me what I need to know about him at all times, just like he has, that gives him a sense about who is safe and who isn't.

I have spent most of my life in wonderment of the first breath of life. Today, the first baby I caught, unplanned, because he came so quickly and I was there helping his mother through a birth, turns 4 years old. I remember his birth like it was yesterday. He was born into water in his mothers tiny tiny bathtub. She looked at me and said, well, I think your going to catch a baby, and I replied, OK. AS if I had a choice. It was quite easy for me, as I watched him crown and his pudgy little face came out, his eyes opened and he looked at me like this was the neatest thing he would ever experience. His body was born, and we put him up on her chest. Sweet little guy was 9 pounds 4 ounces. Such an easy birth. I watched him as he started breathing, nice and gently as all first breaths should be, his cord still pulsing and he started taking over his own circulation. I could see his body pink up as it is suppose to be. All was well. I will never forget it. I watch as they became the sweetest family unit. Mom and dad and sweet baby getting to know each other surrounded by people who loved them. It could not have been a more perfect birth.

This was the first day of the rest of his life. Today, the little bruiser, who very well could be a football player by sheer size alone, is sweet and loving. A joy for everyone. Except maybe his older brother and younger sister at times :)

On the days of a baby's birth a mother is born as well. She now gets to experience the birth of herself as mother and test her self on more ways than she ever thought she would. She will live her life in fear of things she never thought of before. She will watch her child insert objects where they should not be, suck on things on the floor that make us as adults want to run and get antibacterial all day long, poke at the dog until he finally gets angry enough to do something about it. We worry about life things, about socializing, about how they learn. We worry about growth charts and stumbling, falling off things, swinging from chandeliers, if they will make friends, how they will go to college, what schools are the best, and how we will help them feel well after a cold or illness. We worry if we will make the right choices and if our kids will be normal or if we will screw them up. We take MANY deep breaths. The breathing we did through our labors we practice the rest of our lives to keep a hold of ourselves and to get through some rough moments. We breathe the same time our new babies are born in a new way ourselves. Rather large deep breaths as we bask in the beauty of this amazing thing we created, the amazing joy and love that we feel. We wonder at the same time, with equal awareness, what we have gotten ourselves into. We continue to breathe like that forever. We have now been born as a mother and our world, just as our babies at birth, will never be the same.

Each child we have, we are born again as a mother. It seems as though it would be the same as we have done this before. It isn't. We change the whole of who we are once again. We shift things, and rearrange things in our own mind to accommodate the love we have for this new child. The new schedule, the new schools, the new personality we have to attempt to decipher so we can effectively parent this child as well. We now, have doubled what we had to do but have the same expectations of ourselves as we did for the first one. So now, we add in guilt. because the physical impossibility of doing all of this plus everything else seems daunting. So we breathe. And we watch as our children grow, that they are resilient. They adjust well, and we are able to give each one , just what they need. We breathe the breath of being a second or third or fourth time mom. Each time, redefining ourselves.

Each mother, is not only born a mother that day. There is also, the birth of a woman, regardless of the birth of a baby. I have attended births where babies do not do well. I have also attended births where there was no baby to take home. We all wait for that finale where the new little soul who enters the physical world gets to come to the physical home. Sometimes, that little soul leaves and it leaves us all wondering about this life and why things happen the way they do. The baby is born, but the soul does not stay. I watch the mothers mourn and try to find peace. I watch them go from moments of solace to moments of peace to moments of uncontrollable gut wrenching pain. This is her birth of a new mother , except that she has to shift gears because she isn't allowed to experience this birth as a new mother that she had expected. She now has to shift from mother hood to ... what? How do you define the loss of a baby emotionally? I am not sure there are really words that can truly give the effect. She is still a mother. Whether she has older children or not. She still gave birth to that child and that child will forever be with her spiritually. It's the physical part that is often hardest to deal with. She now, must redefine herself again. She moves on in the world and her life continues if she lets it. She finds out just how strong she truly is. Makes choices that she never wanted to make. She sees herself as weak and vulnerable, and is forced to accept that part of being human. She now knows compassion in a way she never knew it before. It will change her life forever. She will consciously breathe through it, once again, she will breathe. She will find out once again how precious life is, and it can make her have a vivid life of joy if she lets it. She will breathe and breathe and breathe as if she could breathe life back into that little one all the while knowing and eventually accepting that child on some level chose not to stay here to teach a lesson she needed to learn. That child was not loved any less than any other. She will breathe herself into a different woman.

There is also the woman who gives birth, becomes a mother to a child who does decide to stay, thrive and be well. She is not only born a mother, but she has changed as a woman. There is now an essence about her that changes her for the rest of her life. She now has purpose. She feels the greatness of being able to bring life fourth from her. She nurtured this baby from its very moment of existence within her. It was ALL, 100% her doing. She protects this little growing bean and gives it life. At the core of who we are, this gives us purpose. We can CREATE! We are POWERFUL! This is why the birth process is such an emotional time for women. Many women want to feel the powerfulness our bodies can show us. If we have a c-section that was unwanted, it takes away that feeling of power from us, as if our bodies have failed. If we are induced when we know we don't need to be, it takes away the part of feeling empowered to do what we know is best for us. This feeling, the one that is most often overlooks, surpasses the idea that we only want a healthy baby. Every mother wants a healthy baby. No one will ever deny that. There is more to birth than having a physically healthy baby. We also want an emotionally healthy baby as well as an emotionally healthy mother. This part is not really about being a mother. It is about being a woman. It is about living in our own skin. Taking charge of our own life and well being. It is about knowing that we have the power inside of us to make the best choices for us. It is about trusting that as a woman, and being connected to our intuition. the choices we make are not always easy. We make them anyway. It about finding our powerful self. The birth of our children helps us define in a very dramatic way WHO WE ARE as women. It helps us feel powerful, or vulnerable and meek. It will effect us as women, for the rest of our lives. We breathe through these moments of defining who we are as women, just as we do, through every other stage. Any time there is alot of conscious breathing going on, there is a birth of some sort coming up. Whether emotional of physical, it is still the birth of something/someone new.

If we continue to empower ourselves, and breath through it, we also create an empowered world. It doesn't just mean powerful, so that we take from others, but powerFUL, so that we keep our own power that comes from within to lead strong healthy balanced lives. We then teach it to our children, who then continue to give birth to the world that we all want to see.

Each day

2010-07-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up and felt a little different than I did yesterday. I awoke a little before my alarm clock actually started so that I could hear the whole of the song that starts my Enya CD. I decided to use this music because when I listen to it I relax and am calm, it helps me get into a good feeling place. I enjoy starting my day is quiet relaxation. I lay there for a while, listening to my music, dreaming of what I want to bring into my world, and ask the universe to help guide me along the right path so I may head in the direction of all that I desire.

When I got out of bed, I saw a sign I have posted at the end of my bed that reads,"Today good things will happen." Then I smiled, for I was reminded once again, that I get to allow good things in my life, or not. I am the creator of all of my world. I can create myself as often as I choose to flow easily into a world that I want to see.

I can choose to see the world as a horrible place, or I can choose to see the magic everywhere. I can choose to call the weeds that some people see, wildflowers and delight in their color and variety. I can choose how I see the world.

Someone once said, "The deepest secret is that life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation. You are not discovering yourself, but creating yourself anew. Seek, therefore not to find out who you are, seek to determine who you want to be."

I have now decided to give myself the same welcoming opportunity that I give to the babies I see born. I acknowledge with them,in the sweetness of the moment, of all that lays in front of them in their life no matter how long it lasts. Every day, I can choose to see all that is behind me and focus there. I also have the choice every day, to wake up, and see that the world in front of me is at my fingertips. I can choose to see through those eyes, acknowledging where I came from, and the wonderment of where I want to go.

Each day I wake up, I have the choice to welcome myself to the world. So I will.